Loves Me, Loves Me Ed
by Kantaloupe
Summary: Eddy springs to action when he catches word of Eggs Cunningham, the new rich kid at Peach Creek Jr. High. When Eggs turns out to be a girl, little of her friendship with the Eds changes safe for her feelings for our half-pint hero. Will Eddy be able to see past his quarter bank and thirst for popularity long enough to see what's right in front of him? EddyXOC
1. The Search for The Cunningham Kid

This is my first fanfiction on this account and I plan on it being the first of many. But whether or not more fanfictions brew in the horizon, I have made a pact with myself to finish _this one _at all costs.

To see a drawing of my OC, Eggs, go on imgur with the end of the link being /jLCrLZT

Without further a due! Kick back, switch off, switch on, and enjoy.

**x**

Down the halls of Peach Creek Jr. High, a short, pinkish twelve-year-old boy raced with hands stretched out before his face and a long green tongue flying close behind him. He panted, approaching his friends excitedly by the lockers. He kicked off the ground, landing on his friend's chest triumphantly.

"DOUBLE D, YOU WON'T BELIEVE THE BUZZ I'VE HEARD THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE," he bellowed, eyes shaking in his head with excitement.

"Eddy, please! Mind the shirt!" Edd hollered back, "Mother had it pressed just this morning!"

"Well, _you _wanna hear the buzz! Don't ya, Ed," Eddy jabbed a finger in Ed's face confidently, watching his face sink into itself like a half filled balloon.

His face popped back out. "Buzz me, Eddy! Buzz me!"

"Listen up," Eddy scooted back, his arms stretched out in showmanship. "There's a new kid movin' into Peach Creek _and _he's filthy, stinkin', RICH!" Eddy jumped up at the final word, landing firmly on both feet in anticipation of his friends' reactions.

They blinked at him before exchanging looks with one another.

"He found _out_, Double D!" Ed's eyes grew wide and glossy.

"Now, now, Ed, we'll make due," Edd comforted his friend with a pat.

"WHAT!?" Eddy roared, "you mean to tell me you numbskulls _knew_ and you never told me!?"

"I'm sorry, Eddy, but I've watched you exploit the current residents of Peach Creek for long enough!" Edd declared valiantly, "I'd hate to see another be subjected to the same treatment before you've had a chance to befriend the fellow!"

"Hey, hey, hey! Who said anything about exploiting!" Eddy folded his arms.

Edd shot him a look of doubt, "Ed, kindly perform the impersonation of Eddy you enacted for me this morning?"

Ed obeyed immediately, pulling on his upper lip until it snapped into the shape of Eddy's long, pointy mouth. "Another sucker, another dollar, boys! Get to work so we can take'im for all he's got!" Ed mimicked.

"Yeah? Well, that's where you're _both _wrong! I wanna befriend the sucker—I mean, guy!" Eddy grinned wide.

Edd blinked before recoiling in doubt, "I am skeptical of your sincerity, Eddy… When was the last time you consciously chose to befriend someone without wanting to exploit them for your own monetary gain?"

"What, are ya kidding!?" Eddy appeared between his two friends, arms over both their shoulders to pull them in tight. "This is just what the group's been missing! A little glitz to bump us up the social ladder!"

"Can Sheldon jr. be a part of the group, too, guys?" Ed pulled a green colored block of cheese out of the inside of his jacket. His two friends plugged their noses.

"Ed, get that thing out of here!"

"Eddy," Edd's voice was nasaly, "as Ed here has so poignantly brought to light, we are not exactly the kind of glamorous group a well-to-do kid may want to befriend."

"Speak for yourself, Sockhead!" Eddy slid down the halls, "well? Hop to it! Find the kid!"

Edd blinked. "Me!? I know just as much as you do about the man if not less!"

"Well, what did you want me to do!? Ask the guys yakking in the bathroom while I was in the john!?"

"You mean to tell me you know nothing of his address, or his schedule, or even his name!? And you expect me to find him!?"

"Oh! I know his name, guys! I know his name!" Ed jumped up and down, his hand raised high, waiting to be called on like a kid in class.

"Yeah? What is it, Ed?" Eddy said, folding his arms cynically.

Ed smiled, "Thanksgiving Ham."

Crickets sounded in the hallway to Ed's answer.

"Ed, you idiot!" Eddy roared, "fine! Watch and learn, Double D." He cracks his fingers before pulling his wallet out by the chain leading to his pocket. He pulls out a crisp, green dollar bill. "Smell this Ed?" He places it under Ed's nose, allowing him to snort a lung-full, "find me the kid that smells like that! Atta boy!" Eddy cheers, jumping onto Ed's back as Ed gets on all fours, sniffing aimlessly down the hall.

Edd sighed, "how primitive." He turned towards a boy walking unsuspectingly down the hall. "Um, excuse me, Jonny, may I ask for your assistance?"

"Huh?" Jonny 2x4 looked up and grinned, "sure thing, Double D! But it better be a quick one! I've got a hankering for the men's room!"

"Oh, of course! Would you happen to know anything of the new kid that's been rumored to attend Peach Creek Jr. High?"

"ED, YOU IDIOT, THIS IS A VENDING MACHINE!" Eddy roared, pointing angrily at the candy machine Ed was sniffing. Eddy's ears jumped at Double D's question. Eddy suddenly appeared by Edd's side, "yeah, Melonhead! Dish it!"

"Oh! You guys mean the Cunningham kid!" Jonny smiled.

"Well," Edd turned to Eddy, "Ed was _kind of _on track with his name."

"Yeah, and!? Where is he!? How do we find him!?" Eddy inched closer menacingly.

Jonny 2x4 began to sweat. "Sorry, fellas! But I gotta go to the men's room pronto! Here, Plank will answer the rest of your questions! He knows the kid personally!" He handed Eddy his wooden friend before sprinting down the halls and screeching to turn for the bathroom door.

Edd and Eddy stared at Plank's expressionless face.

Plank stared back.

Ed appeared between them, joining the staring contest. "Who's winning, you guys?" He whispers.

"This is useless!" Eddy hurled Plank behind his head, marching forward. "From now on, we're doing it _my _way!"

Edd sighed, remembering that the failed dollar bill sniffing method had in fact been his way.

"All we know about the Cunningham kid is that he's rich, right? So… We gotta lure in the rich…" Eddy rubbed his hands together menacingly.

According to Edd's predictions, "Eddy's way" had led them to nothing but more dead-ends. The free limousine washing service set up by the three boys at the empty school parking lot, the toilet colored sloppily with cheap golden paint, the homemade metal detector Eddy hovered over kids' heads at the cafeteria—all proved themselves to be profitless efforts at tracking down the Cunningham kid.

Eddy searched on in vain, the metal detector flying haphazardly in the cafeteria. Eddy walked on heads, soliciting a "Hey!" "Ow!" "Watch it!" in his walk. He stepped again, this time on Kevin, whose face plunged into his cafeteria tray.

He rose from his seat angrily, face doused in gravy and carrots. "That does it! Get over here, Dork, before I make ya!"

"Hey, I did you a favor, Shovel-chin! Now your face ain't half as ugly! HA!" Eddy pointed, laughing at his own insult obnoxiously.

Edd pulled on his hat, bracing himself for the fight.

Kevin dragged a hand down his gravy-covered face. He pulled his green sleeves up to his elbows, "yeah? We'll see how you find my _fist _when it's in your head!"

"Hey, guys!" Jonny 2x4's face appeared by Kevin's side, "the toilets are painted gold!"

Kevin growled, knocking Jonny 2x4 unconscious with a punch. "Now, where was I?" He walked forward.

"Don't hurt Eddy, Kevin! We were just trying to find the cunning ham!" Ed begged in a show of tears, holding Eddy close to him.

"The Cunningham kid?" Kevin cocked an eyebrow. His expression dropped before breaking out into laughter, "you DORKS totally _would _try and peg the Cunningham kid; oh _man_ are you desperate, Eddy!"

The crowd behind him began to join Kevin in his laughter.

"And they were using a metal detector? That's like, so totally sad…" Nazz raised an eyebrow.

"Keep dreaming, Fathead!" Sarah yelled out in hysterics.

"Oh, Sarah! My sides!" Jimmy mewled.

Eddy's eyes bounced between laughing faces. He growled, tossing the metal detector to the side angrily. "Why I oughtta!" He charged, jumping onto Kevin's shoulders and pulling on both ears in opposite directions.

"Eddy! I will rescue you!" Ed swan dived into the fight.

"Eddy! Ed! Please! Compose yourselves, gentlemen!" Edd scurried to the crowd.

While the fight span into the middle of the cafeteria, a pair of sneakers stopped in its walk to examine the tossed metal detector. A hand reached to examine it further.

"GIVE IT UP, TOUGH GUY!"

"NOT IN YOUR DREAMS, DORK!"

"Whose face am I sitting on, Double D?"

"ED, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS SANITARY, GET OFF OF ME!"

Suddenly, a fifth voice cleared its throat. The fight screeched to a halt, with Edd hanging by his hat and Kevin raising Ed to hit Eddy with. The four stared at the stranger.

"Whose metal detector is this?" The kid spoke.

"Hey! Lay off the merchandise, ya bum!" Eddy jumped out of the fight to grab the device from his hands.

"Um… Eddy?" Edd said, still hanging on by his ski hat. "I may be wrong but… I would wager that _this _is the Cunningham kid."

Eddy looked up.

The Cunningham kid was seemingly undisturbed by the fight, standing casually at a height similar to that of Nazz's. He wore a pair of dark pants, a plain white pullover with red trimmings, and a pair of green flying goggles on his head of shoulder length brown hair, which had bangs that covered half of his face.

"Is it yours then, little man?" The Cunningham kid grinned.

"Little what?!" Eddy inhaled, "WE'RE PRACTICALLY THE SAME HEIGHT, YOU—" Eddy paused, remembering the crowd behind him that teased and jeered but a few moments ago. "—Youuuu bet your wallet this is my gadget! The name's Eddy. Made this thing with my brain and brawns right over there!" He pointed behind him.

Kevin rolled his eyes before throwing Ed and Edd onto the ground, "this is bogus, dude."

The Cunningham kid took a glance at the two Ed's before looking back at Eddy. He took a piece of paper from underneath his goggles followed by a pen. He scribbled on it, his purple tongue sticking out from the corner of his mouth.

"That's my address. If you three have got some time after school, I have a proposition I'd like to share with you."

"Sure thing, bud, whatever you say!" Eddy leered excitedly, taking the piece of paper with an almost inaudible squeal.

"Catch you later," he waved, walking out the cafeteria in a stroll.

"Catch you later!" Eddy sang back with a wave. He span on his heels to confront the crowd, "SEE THAT!? HA! _I _FOUND THE CUNNINGHAM KID; THAT'S RIGHT. ME, BABY!"

The group rolled their eyes and groaned, a mumble of "whatever, man" coming from Kevin's direction. They turned their attentions back to their respective lunches and conversations.

Ed and Edd appeared by Eddy's sides.

"I can't believe he gave us his home address…" Edd said.

"What did I tell ya boys!" Eddy pocketed the address triumphantly, "Eddy's way is the _only_ way!"

* * *

"Whoa."

The three stood in the towering shadow of a four story high mansion just a few blocks from the cul-de-sac. From what the Ed's could see, the mansion was a marvel complete with a television satellite the size of Peach Creek Jr. High and a soaring gate that eclipsed the three even further.

"Whoa, indeed, Eddy," Edd gawked, "I could have sworn that but a week ago, this was nothing but an empty lot."

Suddenly, the intercom the three had failed to notice by the side of the gate spoke. "Hey, if it isn't the Edisons! Come on in!"

Ed blinked at the intercom. "The house is alive, you guys!" Ed cried out in horror just as the gates started to screech open.

"Quit your daydreaming, Ed!" Eddy growled before biting his lower lip, his hands balled excitedly by his face. "I'm just _dying_ to see what's in there!" The gates slowly parted, allowing Eddy a growing view of the golden kingdom. "It's like the Gates of Heaven… And they're letting _me _in! COME ON, BOYS!" He jumped up, his feet spinning underneath him before whizzing through the gates. The two followed close behind.

"Oh, my!" Edd grabbed at his orange shirt and spoke with a tiny voice, "I suddenly feel underdressed…"

"YOU GUYS! A POOL WITH A SLIDE," Eddy listed, standing before the glamorous Cunningham pool, "A JACUZZI," he gawked at the bubbling whirlpool bathtub, "AN OUTDOOR BAR," he raised his arms towards the row of juices and fresh coconuts.

"I've never seen Eddy this happy, Double D," Ed said nervously, "it sends shivers up my eyebrow…"

"What's with the holdup!? The entrance is over here," the Cunningham kid waved, disappearing behind a door twice his size. The three ran to follow, the door closing behind them.

"THIS. IS. AMAZING," Eddy's voice echoed through the mansion interior. "This is the swankiest nest I've ever laid eyes on!"

"Cool trick, Eddy! ECHO!" Ed smiled wide, stretching out his ear to receive the "ECHO!" that returned. "MY NAME IS ED," he declared. "MY NAME IS ED," the echo repeated. Ed's mouth configured to a pout. "BUT THAT'S MY NAME," he bellowed. "BUT THAT'S MY NAME," the echo gave back. "NAME THIEF!"

Eddy snickered into his hand at his antics.

"Ed!" Edd scolded, "where are your manners? You are in somebody's home!" Edd turned to the Cunningham kid. "It is _quite _overwhelming, I must say," Edd smiled bashfully.

"Sorry about that, I'll bring you to my room, where it's a lot less crazy," the Cunningham kid guided the three up the stairs; Eddy's eyes darting every which way in excitement. "We only finished furnishing the west wing of the house a few days ago. Dad paid extra to speed up the builders."

"HEY! You should throw a party here! It'd be a total hit! I could host it! They don't call me Eddy-the-life-of-the-party for nothin'!" Eddy pointed at himself proudly with both thumbs.

"Sorry, little man, no can do. The only reason why you guys are even allowed here is 'cause Dad's away. He'll be back tomorrow and then it's no guests till the end of the century," the Cunningham kid swung open the door to his bedroom.

"A strict father," Edd remarked.

"Cheapskate," Eddy growled beneath his breath.

"Well, make yourselves at—" the Cunningham kid made it through most of his sentence before Ed and Eddy sprinted into his chambers. The Cunningham kid blinked. The two charged for his bed excitedly, laughing while alternating between each other to jump.

"E-excuse me," Edd smiled nervously, entering one step at a time and seating himself warily on the couch. "Pardon my curiosity, but what is it like being this wealthy?"

"I'LL TELL YA," Eddy froze midair, landing on the ground firmly on both feet, "IT'S AWESOME! IT'S EVERYTHING A KID COULD WANT!"

"Sorry to disappoint you," the Cunningham kid said, jumping backwards on his couch beside Edd casually with his hands behind his head. "But it's a total bore. The same boring towns with the same boring people who buy the same boring junk. There're no breakthroughs! No innovations!" He sat up. The Eds exchanged looks of confusion.

"Yeah, right!" Eddy leered, "ya got a loose screw or something!? All that money go to your head, Gogglebrains?" He grinned, reaching to point at the goggles that sat on the Cunningham kid's head.

"HANDS OFF THE GOGGLES, LITTLE MAN," the Cunningham kid jumped on the couch, towering above Eddy, "these belonged to Orville Wright!"

"Orville what-o?" Eddy raised a brow.

Edd cleared his throat, "the Wright brothers, Eddy. American inventors of the first successful airplane."

"Pioneers of human flight…" The Cunningham kid spread out his hands in showmanship. "Visionaries of the world's first controlled, powered and sustained, heavier-than-air aviation take off..."

"I think all that money _has _gone to his head, don't ya think, Ed?" Eddy turned to his giggling friend, turning his finger around in circles by his temple in jest.

"I look to spend my money on creative genius! Otherwise, I don't spend a cent," the Cunningham kid said proudly.

"But then where did ya get your stuff?!"

The Cunningham kid grinned, "junkyard variety, my friend."

"I like him, Double D," Ed pointed.

Eddy jumped to his side, forcefully throwing his arm around his neck and pulling his face against his. He leered, "Well, that's ME! Hot on the market; everyone's been beggin' for a bite of my mastermind of a brain!"

"I don't know," the Cunningham kid said with a grin, untangling himself from Eddy's arm to poke him between the eyes. "That metal detector was quite the gadget but what kind of mastermind paints toilets gold before looking up 'Cunningham' on the school registrar?"

Eddy's eyebrows dropped down, he shot a look at Edd. "Why didn't _you _think of that, Sockhead!?"

"I'm afraid this is all on you, Eddy," Edd turned away, eyes closed and arms folded.

"So come on, Ed-man, hit me with a genius idea," the Cunningham kid leaned in with a grin.

"He can do it, Ham Guy, Eddy does it all the time when coming up with scams!" Ed bit on his lower lip in anticipation.

"Fine!" Eddy says, kicking himself off into isolation.

_Tick tock! Tick tock! Tick tock! Tick tock!_

Eddy squashed his eyes closed, biting on his tongue with two fingers massaging his temples.

_Tick tock! Tick tock! Tick tock! Tick tock!_

The two Ed's watched intently, sweat coursing down their faces. Edd pulls his shirt collar loose with a finger.

_Tick tock! Tick tock! Tick tock! Cha-Ching!_

"HA! I GOT IT!" Eddy jumped up, hitting his palm with a fist. "Try this on for size… A WEATHER MACHINE! To make summer winters and winter summers; scam kids in every which way no matter the season!"

"Eddy!" Edd stood up, "Of all the unethical… Mother nature intended for us to keep the sanctity of her temperature terms! Not to tamper with them impetuously for profit!"

The Cunningham kid tapped a finger against his lower lip in thought. "We could get the cul-de-sac scorching and sell ice cream by the sidewalk."

Edd and Eddy blinked.

"HA! I think I'm starting to like this guy!"

"ICE CREAM! I SCREAM! I SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM!" Ed cheered.

"Good lord, there are three of them," Edd sighed.

"Let's continue this talk tomorrow. I've got some calls I need to make if this scam's going to pull through," the Cunningham kid stands up, arms akimbo with enthusiasm.

"Pardon our bad manners, but I don't believe we've asked your name," said Edd.

"Eggs," he grinned.

"Yum, scrambled," said Ed.

"Happy to meet ya, Eggs, my man," Eddy buffed his nails against his shirt before extending it for a shake, "I think this is going to be the start of a beautiful friendship." A tiresome hour of prying Eddy's fingers off the Cunningham gates later, the Eds returned to their respective homes for dinner. Eddy chewed on his chicken leg slowly, engrossed in the musings of the adventure to come.


	2. Chocolate Chip, Anyone?

The garage floor grumbled. A thin line of light shone from the outside, which grew as Eggs pulled the garage door higher.

"I apologize for my qualms, Eggs, but may I inquire as to what you mean by a _surprise_?" Edd asked, his hands by his chest nervously.

"Yeah, the most surprising thing we'd find in Sockhead's garage is a protractor," Eddy itched the inside of his ear with his pinky in disinterest.

"I had my boys come in here at the crack of dawn this morning," Eggs said between unavailing tugs at the stuck garage door. Ed took Eggs' body in his hands, lifting him above his head, causing the garage door to fly upwards. "Oof! Thank you, Ed."

"Your b-boys!? On private property without authorized consent!? Oh, mother and father will not be pleased," Edd tugged on his hat in distress.

"Shiny!" Ed remarked.

As Ed observed, the garage was dazzling with blue silver tools, all either neatly arranged on Edd's workbench or hanging methodically on walls by nails. The sparkles reflected themselves in Edd's wide eyes. "Is this… Could this be…" Edd approached his workbench, "it is! A Benjamin Merrell 250mm Digital Compass!— Is that you, my dexterous confederate!?" His eyes latched onto a nearby tool. "A Blue Steel Bladed Adjustable Bevel?— Oh my word…" Edd's voice was small. He slowly reached for the glittering spectacle above his head, hanging regally by two silver nails. "A 12 inch Scarrlett Combination Square with Protractor and Center Head…"

"I'm happy for ya, Sockhead, what's say we break in those tools, huh?" Eddy threw his arm around Edd's shoulder in a show of camaraderie.

"Eddy's right, the sun's not gonna stay up forever," Eggs lowered his goggles over his bangs.

"Quite right, gentlemen," Edd extended the Scarrlett Combination Square towards Eggs, "Eggs, would you do me the honor?"

With Ed as their appointed muscle, all but Eddy struck into work, lifting and welding spare parts, connecting wires, and using Ed's head to hammer a nail— all to make for a tower in Edd's driveway. The tower was tall with a bulbous end and a hole that was to radiate heat and snow. Beside the hole was a microwave dial with the numbers scratched out and replaced with "hot," on one end and "cold," on the other.

"It's very peculiar, I just can't seem to start it up," Edd rubbed his chin, his rubber gloves and safety goggles still upon his person.

"Look, Double D!" Ed cheered, a paintbrush still in his hand from painting the ice cream booth. A free hand pointed at his face, which had been transformed into a sloppy artwork of green and blue. "I AM THE MONSTROUS ICE CREAM HELLION, PREPARE TO FEED ME OR FEEL MY CHOCOLATE CHIP WRATH!"

Edd giggled, "Ice Cream Hellion, how apt!"

Eggs crept towards Eddy, who sat comfortably on a lawn chair with a pair of sunglasses on his face. "What's the matter, Mastermind? Got a crick in your spine?"

"Leave the muscle-work to the staff," he slapped the air with contempt. "Here, pull up a seat and kick it with me, rich boy!" Eddy leered mischievously.

"This is quite the enigma. I suspect the complication is within the machine," Edd thought out loud. Upon hearing this, Eggs placed his hands behind his back and looked up in feigned innocence, raising and throwing his foot on the end of Eddy's lawn chair, catapulting him into the air and into the mouth of the machine. Sections of the tower contorted into Eddy-shaped protrusions as he knocked into the tower's insides, falling to the bottom. A metal plate at the bottom popped open and Eddy's bruised face popped out. He shook a fist in Egg's direction.

"WHY YOU LITTLE! IF YOU WEREN'T RICH, I'D MOP THE FLOOR WITH YOUR FACE!"

The machine suddenly shook and spoutted a cough of smoke, rumbling rhythmically. _Chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga…_

"It works!" Edd cheered.

"Looks like you should help out more often, huh, little man?" Eggs grinned.

Eddy grinned wide. "WELL, WHAT ARE YA WAITING FOR!? TAKE IT OUT TO THE ROAD!"

* * *

"Oh, Sarah. Our marigolds look like yellow rays of sunshine," Jimmy cooed, bringing his hands to his face dreamily. The pair sat in Jimmy's lush flower patch, wearing matching floral sunhats and gardening gloves.

"They sure do, Jimmy! I told you they'd bloom any time now, didn't I, mister?" Sarah chirped.

Jimmy paused, feeling the sinking waves of heat. Sweat began to course down his face. He pulled the collar of his blue shirt loose with a finger. "Sarah," he panted, "it sure is feeling woolly for this time of year…" Suddenly, his patch of marigolds began to sink. He squealed. "Sarah! Our flowers!"

"Look, Jimmy!" She pointed, "ice cream!"

A colorful cardboard booth sat in the center of the cul-de-sac, standing ominously in front of a suspicious tower. The booth was painted sloppily in pastel and Eddy leaned on an elbow from inside the booth, a hand reaching to slap a "25 cents" note on an empty pickle jar. "ICE CREAM! COME GET YOUR ICE CREAM FOR ONLY TWENTY FIVE CENTS!"

Sarah ran towards the booth, dragging a sweating Jimmy by the hand. "What'll _you_ have, Jimmy?"

"Oh!" Jimmy stood straight in delight, "two scoops of mint chocolate chip, my good man!"

"Ah-ah-ah," Eddy wagged a finger before his eyes, "pay up first, Curly Cue." The two obeyed, tossing shiny silver quarters into Eddy's jar with melodious _tings!_ "And what'll it be for the twerp?" Eddy said smugly.

"Rocky road, AND BE GENEROUS WITH IT, FISH FACE!"

"You heard 'em!" Eddy straightened his shirt collar, spitting orders at Edd, who sweat by his feet. Edd hovered clumsily over an icebox, scooping cold balls of colored cream into what looked like ice cream cones but were merely brown piece of paper taped to shape.

"Come on, Jimmy!" Sarah took Jimmy by the hand, skipping happily with him down the street.

Once they left, Eddy turned to the back of the booth. "Ed! Get out there and get me more customers!" He kicked Ed, who jumped out, dressed head to toe in an ice cream suit made of mismatched patches of cloth.

"ICE CREAM! I SCREAM! I SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM!" Ed ran in circles. Meanwhile, the weather machine's rhythmic grumble sped up. _Chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga! _

"Hey, Double D, is that normal?" Eggs looked up.

Edd turned and a bead of sweat rolled down his brow. "Not at all, I'm afraid!" He looked up, "Eddy! This machine isn't meant to be under this much pressure! I highly recommend we take a recess!"

But Edd's words of warning went straight into one ear and out the other. Eddy focused instead on Rolf, Kevin, Nazz, and Jonny 2x4, who approached from a distance as a crowd. "Oh boy! They're all comin' this way! Keep that machine runnin', Eggs!"

"ICE CREAM! I SCREAM! I SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM!" Ed chanted. He danced in place, arms spread out enthusiastically. A pool of sweat formed at his feet from his cavorting. Ed took another step, but this time, directly in the center of the puddle; he slipped, knocking against the weather machine with the round cushion of his ice cream costume. The machine rumbled and what the Ed's and Eggs had failed to see, was that the microwave dial flipped to the right. The machine started spitting out snowflakes.

"What the—" Eggs lifted up the palms of his hand, a snowflake landed neatly in the middle of it. The three Eds looked curiously into Eggs' hand, watching it melt in place.

"Plank! You're suddenly as hard as ice! What's the matter, buddy?" Jonny 2x4 knocked on his wooden friend.

"Woah, is it suddenly freezing in here or is it just me?" Kevin shuddered.

"But, Kev, I wanted ice cream," Nazz whined.

"The conditions of your land are unpredictable," Rolf looked up in suspicion. "The frostiness of Rolf's back hairs implores him to partake in Nana's special pig knuckle soup! Who will join Rolf?"

"Anything to get outta the cold, man," Kevin rubbed his arms up and down following Rolf in the opposite direction of the Eds' ice cream booth.

"That sounds gross but I'm in," Nazz followed.

"What! THEY'RE GETTING AWAY!" Eddy pulled his three hairs down to the side of his face in horror.

"Keep that pickle jar handy! I'll fix it," Eggs propped himself on the tower, using the bumps Eddy had made on the inside of the tower as grips.

"Eggs, don't! I beg you! This thing is a ticking time bomb!" Edd pulled on Eggs' shirt in protest.

"Let that man do what he wants, Double D!"

And with that, Eggs continued to climb, his purple tongue sticking out in deep concentration. Once he reached the top of the tower, Eggs switched the dial but by the time he did, the machine's puffing had sped up to the point where it was a now a grumbling chain of vibrations. "Urk!" Eggs recoiled in alarm.

"SHE'S GONNA BLOW!" Edd pulled his ski hat downwards, his eyes rattling in his head in horror.

Right before the machine's vibrations stopped, Eggs pulled his goggles downwards over his eyes. The weather machine exploded into its many spare parts, catapulting Eggs into the sidewalk. The three Eds ran to his aid.

"EGGS!" Ed and Edd scurried over to their new friend.

"Whatchya break it for!?" Eddy ran close behind.

"Oof…"

Eggs rubbed a lump on his head and opened his eyes. He blinked to make sense of his upside down view of the cul-de-sac, and blinked a second time to make sense of the strange looks he was getting from the three Ed's. They were looking at his eyes, which up until now had been hidden underneath Eggs' obtrusive bangs. They hung now over his goggles, presenting Eggs' baby blues, their lashes, his bruised rosy cheek.

"What?" He blinked a third time.

"Hey, uh, Eggs?" Eddy cast a short shadow over Eggs as he approached him, an eyebrow raised high. "Don't take this the wrong way but," the two followed curiously behind him, "are you a girl?"


	3. Yet Another Scam: Marry Me, Eggs?

To be sure, Katherine "Eggs" Cunningham was a girl.

"I dunno, I didn't think it mattered," Eggs smacked the dust off her knees and readjusted her goggles.

"_I_ knew, Eddy!" Ed beamed.

"Shut up, Lumpy, you did not."

"But I did! I did, Double D, I really did!" Ed's eyes grew big and glossy, he pawed at Edd's shirt in despair.

"Now, now, Ed, I'm sure you did," Edd patted the oaf on the head, "I must admit, I am quite relieved to have not known. My nerves always get the better of me when faced before the female species; but I am now at an appropriate level of comfort to not mind with you, Eggs."

"Fine by me, brother," Eggs grinned.

"Yeah, well, as long as you're funding our scams, you could be a third gender for all I care," Eddy announced.

The cul-de-sac crowd passed by the Eds on their way to Rolf's home but paused to get an eye-full of the spectacle. "Hey, isn't that that rich kid?" Kevin pointed, "no way, the Cunningham kid's friends with the dorks?" He leered.

"My flowers!" Jimmy pulled at his curly locks, staring in horror at the Marigold patch that Eggs had landed on. Eggs turned her head around to examine her back and sweat guiltily at the sight of the crushed marigolds on her sweater.

"Way to make another mess out of things, Eddy!" Sarah shook a fist at the four.

"Come on, Nazz, let's blow this ice cream stand." The group strolled away, leaving nothing but a trail of mumbles and insults in their wake.

Eggs scratched her head, "tough crowd."

"WAIT! YOU GUYS! WE STILL HAVE SOME ICE CREAM LEFT, COME BACK!" Eddy jumped, "TWO QUARTERS AND I'LL THROW IN THE MASCOT!" He grabbed Ed, who giggled at Eddy's devilish offer. He chased after the group with Ed in his hands.

Edd turned to Eggs in despair, "I'm sorry, Eggs. I'm afraid Eddy wasn't being completely honest with you. Most of our scams have been catastrophes, at best."

"Well," Eggs picked the final marigold out of her hair. "You should'a told me that before I climbed up the machine," she smiled.

"Oh, what a mess!" Edd reached under his ski hat and pulled out a large spray of disinfectant, decontaminating his friend in a cloud of mist. "Filthy, filthy, filthy…" he muttered beneath his breath.

Eggs broke into a cough, "Double D!" she wheezed, seizing Edd's arms and bringing his fumigation to a halt, "don't worry," she laughed, "I had fun." Eggs smiled, her shoulders bouncing upwards with the slight tilt of her head. Edd blinked, realizing then that beneath the unruly hair and boyish grin, his friend had in fact been a girl all this time. He wondered how many of her friends in the past had known this, and he wondered again if she had ever _had_ any friends. But these were questions he set aside.

Edd smiled back, "well I _am _relieved. I'll be sure to have a word with Eddy once he's done panhandling the others."

"He's one of a kind," Eggs said, "I've never met anyone like him before."

"Yes," Edd shook his head with a sigh, taking Eggs' observation negatively. "I'm sure every person who's ever met Eddy has thought the same thing at one point or another."

* * *

"THIS STINKS," Eddy lounged on his garishly patterned bed. "We've been hanging out with the rich kid for a solid week now and no one's noticed!"

Eggs lifted her head, which hung over the armrest of Eddy's chair. "For crying out loud, Eddy, you actually _expected _something to happen?"

"Well, _maybe _if you threw a party at your place, Gogglebrains," Eddy turned over to his front, "LIKE I'VE BEEN TELLIN' YA FOR A WEEK!"

"I already _told _you, Short-stalk," Eggs also turned, leaning over the chair to yell back. "MY DAD WOULD FREAK!"

"Inside voices, if you please, boys and girls!" Edd said quickly in distress, occupying himself with the tall pile of laundry that sat messily by Eddy's closet. "Must… Resist… The urge… To fold…" He handled them through a pair of rubber gloves.

Eggs jumped off the chair, stuffing her hands in her pockets in contempt, "it's time for lunch anyway, I'm splitting."

"You aren't gonna stay!?" Eddy sat up, his voice still identifiably aggressive, "You haven't even tried my buttery omelets! They're the Eddy House Specialty!"

"EDDY, YOU CAN'T!" Ed took a break from his comic book to jump up, "THAT'S CANNIBALISM!"

Eddy blinked. Then broke into a loud snicker, "_I_ get it, Ed!"

"I'll be back right after, don't have a cow," Eggs said, her body already halfway through the door before slamming it shut.

"What's her problem?" Eddy lounged back onto his bed.

"I think you were being a tad bit insensitive?" Edd said condescendingly, pulling his rubber gloves off his hands with a loud _snap! _

"Eggs have special diets, Eddy," Ed announced.

Eddy folded his arms, speaking in an angry mumble, "well, there she goes, off to enjoy her stinkin' mansion all to herself, the cheapskate."

"It's quite a shame you aren't a part of the Cunningham family, Eddy; all this money could be yours with just a last name," Edd lamented.

Eddy's hairs straightened.

"That's it!" Eddy jumped onto his bed, raising his hands to the ceiling in triumph, "Double D, you're a genius!" he grinned wide.

"Why, thank you, Eddy; it means a lot to me that you'd—wait a minute…" Edd raised an eyebrow, "I am quite certain I've said very little to showcase my intellect in the past few minutes."

"Sure you did, ya dope." Eddy sprang off the bed, "the thing about being a part of the family!"

Ed joined Edd in the spectacle of Eddy pacing the floor in reflection of his brilliant idea.

"I'm still not quite sure where this is going," Edd gave his ski hat a scratch. Eddy set his arms akimbo.

"I'm gonna marry Eggs!"

There was a pause.

And then a wet blow into a tissue. "Our little Eddy is growing up, Double D…" Ed used the same tissue to catch a few wayward tears.

"I'm sorry but, WHAT IN HEAVEN'S NAME ARE YOU SUGGESTING?"

"Aren't I speaking English?" Eddy raised an eyebrow and shot a shrug in Ed's direction, "for a genius, Sockhead sure is slow."

"Does this mean I get to play with baby Eddies?" Ed bit his lower lip excitedly and let his pupils grow wide and glossy.

"No, Ed; no babies, no baby Eddies, no marriage! Eddy! I cannot begin to explain the many levels on which this is wrong!"

"Like what? It'll be a synch!" Eddy slapped the air and fell onto his chair, his hands comfortably behind his head.

"First of all, there's not a priest in town who'd marry two twelve year olds." Edd crossed his arms.

"Easy! We'll get Ed certified."

"I now pronounce you Man and Egg," Ed joined Eddy on the chair with a _thump!_

"Get off'a me, Ed!" Eddy laughed.

"Not to mention what your parents would say, what the school would say, where you'd live—"

"Woah, Double D! One thing at a time! Leave the specifics to the wife for later, I haven't even asked her yet."

"Yes, and I'm sure Eggs would find it charming that you're _assuming _she'd say yes?" Edd shot Eddy an advising glare.

"Assuming?" Eddy jumped up from the chair, causing Ed to roll over to the ground, "more like _knowing_! No babe can resist the Eddy charm."

"Well, I hope for her sake that she does."

"Come on! I know where my dad keeps his good cologne!" Eddy ran through his bedroom door, his arms extended before him. Ed followed in thoughtless laughter, slamming his body into the wall before finding the door right beside it. Edd sighed, being the third to scurry along.

Eddy's body was halfway in a heavy chest, rummaging through its articles and tossing them carelessly behind his head to make for a symphony of crashes. "Ha! Found it!" Eddy called out triumphantly, lifting up a gaudy perfume bottle before his friends' eyes. A bright pink tail of scent followed the bottle, which was pink and was topped with a large rubber bulb for spraying. "From Dad's glory days back in single city!"

"Oh, it's very aromatic!" Edd squinted, tears coming out the corner of his eyes once the pink tail of scent encircled his face.

The tail made its way straight into both of Ed's wide nostrils. He inhaled deeply. "It is everything I am not."

"You can say that again, Monobrow," Eddy brought the bottle to his face, giving the rubber ball several strong squeezes, cocooning himself in a cloud of dense pink.

Edd coughed, "Eddy!" He said between wheezes. "Don't you think that's a little overindulgent!?"

"Yeah, Eddy!" Ed ran to Eddy's side excitedly, "I'll let you borrow Angus for a luck booster upper!" Ed reached into the inside of his shirt, pulling out an old fish skeleton, which had its own tail of acidic green.

"Yeah?" Eddy leered, about to break into laughter, "how many girlfriends did _that_ get you, Ed?"

"No girlfriends, Eddy, but Angus _did _save me from the clutches of the mole people in a dream I had!" Ed's eyes directed themselves further in opposite directions, while Ed reenacted his dream with animation. "The monsters came up from the sewers like angry carnivores, ready to take back unsuspecting bystanders to their burrows and feed upon their prey," he dropped his jaw to his knees, creeping towards Eddy, who stood innocently with a dusty globe behind his back.

"Oh, no!" Eddy called in a forced falsetto, "whoever will save me!?" He threw the globe into Ed's open mouth, watching his head configure itself into a perfect sphere before breaking out into hysterics.

Edd shook his head before approaching the two with a long sigh, "gentlemen," he said right as Ed spat the globe out onto the floor, "if I know Eggs, some good old fashioned decorum and gentility will be all you need to win her heart."

"That and a ring, Double D," Ed added without thought. Edd's smile dropped.

"Don't sweat it, Casanovas, I got this."

"I'm afraid Ed is right, Eddy, you will need a ring to propose," Edd announced, bashful to the fact that Ed had mentioned it before he had.

"You need a ring to propose!?"

"An invaluable bijoux, Eddy!" Edd chimed, sensing Eddy's suspicion.

"Well I ain't got that kind of swanky stuff. We'll have to settle for something else!" He threw his arms up, turning to face his two friends. "What's the best thing in Peach Creek money can buy?"

The two Eds exchanged knowing looks before turning back to Eddy. "Jawbreakers!" They both said in unison.

* * *

A few hours later, the Eds were back in Eddy's. Eddy was dressed in his iconic gaudy outfit. His top was brightly patterned with sharp collars, its sleeves rolled up to his elbows and the shirt itself parted imprudently low to reveal a few marker-drawn chest hairs. With the shirt, he wore a pair of high wasted jeans and golden accessories, including a chain and a belt—both belonging to his brother.

Edd paced in circles around the room, sweat dripping from the sides of his face and his ski hat pulled down comfortingly over his ears. "I have a bad feeling about this…"

"Will ya loosen up, Sockhead?! You're going to start makin' _me _nervous!" Eddy yelled, beads of sweat starting to form on his forehead.

"Kevin is going to be furious when he finds out—and I don't blame him! I've stood by your altercations and back-and-forth insults long enough to go on without complaint but pilfering an entire box of jaw breakers straight from his garage!?"

"What, you're worried about Shovel chin!? HA! That chump won't even notice!"

"Why, he could come crashing through your door any minute!"

Suddenly, the doorbell rang. _Ding Dong! _And Edd recoiled in response.

"Company, Eddy!" Ed sang, sticking his head out of the kitchen.

"That' it. She's here. SHE'S HERE!?" Eddy tugged on his three hairs. "Ed! How's the kitchen looking!?"

Ed lifted a thumb proudly. "Right as rain, Eddy!"

"Quick! You guys! Hide!" Eddy said, pushing his two friends into a nearby coat closet.

"Remember, Eddy, nerves are the enemy of the heart," Edd lifted a finger to give final words of wisdom.

"Look who's talkin'!"

"Remember, Eddy!" Ed lifted a finger to do the same, "kiss her hand and touch her toes, put your left leg in and shake it all about!"

_Ding Dong!  
_ "MOVE IT!" He kicked his friends in, letting the door slam on them.

On the other side of the door, Eggs stood patiently, thinking nothing of the indecipherable mumbling and the slamming of doors. When the door swung open, she blinked at Eddy's wacky costume.

"Woah, retro," she observed, "what's with the new getup?"

"J-Just wanted to look special for my number one gal!" He said with a stammer, leaning against the doorframe just as his brother's dating book had counseled.

"Whatever you say," Eggs walked in. "So I meant to ask you. Any new scams in that head of yours?" She poked his temple.

"Oh yeah, I've got a scam, alright." Eddy rubbed his palms together roguishly.

The tail of pink from Eddy's cologne made its way up Egg's left nostril. "What's that smell?" She asked.

"Oh, that's dinner! Come on!" He yanked Eggs by the hand, dragging her in an excited rush into the kitchen, eager to escape the embarrassment of a stuttering conversation. Once they entered the kitchen, Eddy froze, causing Eggs to knock her head against the back of his. The kitchen was romantically lit with a single candlelight set up in the center of the table. Eddy gave his head a shake to break himself from the daze. "Atta boy, Ed!" He said underneath his breath, his hand balled to a fist proudly.  
"What was that?"

"N-Nothing!" Eddy said, "M-Might I say, sweet thing, you look… Radioactive tonight."

Edd smacked his forehead in the coat closet, whispering loudly by his open palm, "RADIANT, EDDY, RADIANT."

"Rodent," Eddy corrected himself, grinning innocently.

"Hey, where are Ed and Double D?" Eggs lifted her head to search the vicinity.

"Who cares about those guys!? They probably just wanted to give us some space to ourselves! You know, what with all the… Tension." Eddy pulled up her seat with a seductive leer. Eggs sat and stared at the candlelight, scratching her cheek in confusion.

"Whatever, little man, I'm starving. Where are those buttery omelets you won't stop yapping about?"

"Omelets!? Peasant food to your refined tastes! I made this here dish myself." Eddy placed two plates on the opposite ends of the table. He took hold of the silver cloche lids above each plate. "Hope you like…" He pulled the lids up, "lobster—what the!?" To Eddy's surprise, on the plates sat a shallow pile of moldy socks sandwiched between two slices of white bread. "Ed! Why I oughtta…" He grumbled again.

"Eddy," Eggs lifted a moldy sock before her eyes, "what's going on…"

_Ding Dong! _

"Who's that now!?" Eddy grumbled, throwing the cloche lid to the ground. "Just—stay right there." Eddy ran to the door, opening it with a quick swing the reveal Rolf and his accordion.

"Rolf's accordion playing has been called upon at the request of an Ed boy, yes?" Rolf smiled.

"PERFECT, GET IN!" Eddy grabbed Rolf by the shirt collar, yanking him into his home with a heave. He dragged the tall boy into the kitchen. "Hey look! I brought entertainment!"

"Oh-ho!" Rolf smiled knowingly, taking good note of the room's ambiance. "A single lit wax stick, dim illumination, a fancy-schmancy dressed Ed boy! This can only be the customary dance of mating! Do not worry. Rolf, son of a shepherd, shall play you the special hymn that bonded Great Nano and Nana in holy matrimony, yes?"

"This thing speaking English?" Eggs blinked at his question, not understanding every word of his speech.

"Whatever ya say, Rolf," Eddy dismissed. "N-Now, Eggs! Listen!" He stammered, reaching aimlessly for the box of jawbreakers placed conveniently underneath the table. "I have something important to ask you!"

_HEEEEEEEE, HEEEERRRRRRR, HOOOOOO, HEEEEEEEE_

Rolf's accordion screeched and squawked as his cheeks puffed up in strained pinkish hues. Eddy and Eggs threw their hands over their ears.

"EDDY!" Eggs yelled, her teeth grit in agony, "MAKE IT STOP!"

Suddenly, _BANG BANG BANG! _The front door shook in violent knocks. "OPEN UP, YOU DORKS, I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE!"

Ed, Edd, and Eddy exclaimed in unison, "IT'S KEVIN!"

"EDDY, YOU BETTER START EXPLAINING YOURSELF!" Eggs balled her hands into fists.

Eddy continued to stare at the door, his head in his hands. "CAN THIS DATE GET ANY WORSE!?"

"D-D-D-DATE!?" Eggs' fists went limp, her eyes widening at the word.

"QUICK! HIDE!" Eddy grabbed Rolf by the back of his shirt collar, "OUTTA HERE, STRETCH!" He promptly kicked him out the kitchen window, soliciting a "ROLF WILL HAVE YOU PAY FOR THIS" as his body was sent flying. He grabs Eggs and opened the same coat closet in which he threw his two friends.

"What the—" Eggs said upon seeing them but Eddy kicked her in between the two before she could say another word, throwing himself in the closet and closing the door right as his front door exploded open. Kevin stepped in.

"I smell DORK!" He growled, strolling menacingly into the kitchen in search of the three Ed's.

Ed broke the silence of the closet, "sorry," He smiled bashfully, realizing that it was indeed _him _that Kevin had smelt.

"I knew this plan of yours would go sour, I knew it! But does anybody listen to me? No sir-y." Edd whispered.

"One of you idiots better start yapping!" Eggs threw a fist in her palm.

"ALRIGHT!" Eddy barked in a loud whisper. "I messed up; ya happy!? I thought I'd go and propose to you to get a piece of the high life!"

"P-P-P-PROPOSE!?" Eggs' fist went limp yet again, an aftereffect, Eggs only just recently realized, of being treated as a girl. A deep red rose from Eggs' feet to the top of her head, escaping her ears as blasts of steam.

"ZIP IT, MOTORMOUTH! YOU NEVER SPEND A CENT ANYWAY!" Eddy threw a hand over her mouth.

Eggs' expression thundered into anger once more, "AND NEITHER WILL YOU ONCE WE'RE OUT OF THIS STINKIN' CLOSET!"

Suddenly the coat closet door screeched open. Kevin cackled, "found ya." He leered maniacally.

A few minutes later, Kevin marched out the house with his box of jawbreakers back in his possession. "That'll teach you dorks to stay out of my garage!"

The Eds and Eggs lifted themselves from the ground, their heads till spinning with stars and blue birds.

"My apologies, Eggs! To think I played party to this malfeasance yet again!" Edd shot Eddy a rotten glare, throwing his arms into a fold.

"Hey _I_ didn't mean anything by it!" Eddy stood up, "that _Kevin_'s something though, huh? Clobbering you, too, when you're a chick!" Eddy smiled nervously, trying devilishly to sign the responsibility over to his rival.

Eggs shook her head to get rid of the stars. She looked up at Eddy in surprise, "d-do you really see me as a girl?"

"Well you are, aren't ya?" Eddy cocked an eyebrow. "HEY LOOK!" Eddy's eyes latched onto a stray jawbreaker in the corner of the room. He ran to it. "THE SUCKER LEFT ONE! WHAT A SAP! HA!"

"Eeeeeeddy?" Edd gave Eddy a foreboding glare.

Eddy blinked before rolling his eyes. He sighed before bringing the jawbreaker to Eggs, "Here…." He said, scratching the back of his head in disdain.

"And what do you say?"

"I'm sorry I tried to scam ya… Won't happen again…" Once Eggs took the jawbreaker in her hands, Eddy shoved his free hands into his pocket.

"HIP HIP HOORAY! YOU GUYS, WE ARE NOW A QUARTET!" Ed gathered his friends in his arms, lifting them up in a tight embrace.

"This is true, Ed! For no one in the group scams one another," Edd smiled.

Eggs looked at jawbreaker in her hands and then back at Eddy. "Well... Shucks, thanks, guys. This was a weird initiation but, thanks."

"Enough of the cheesy chapter ending!" Eddy freed himself from Ed's embrace, "I'm starving. Omelets, anyone?"

"YAY FOR CANNIBALISM!" Ed cheers.

* * *

More chapters are on the way. Unfortunately, I'm off on a week long trip for an internship starting tomorrow. But I'll be brainstorming while I'm there. Stay tuned, I have some big things brewing for our love bugs. Reviews are very much appreciated!


	4. Dreams, Manure, and Eggs' Feelings

_Tick…. Tock… Tick… Tock… Tick…_…

Eddy looked up at the clock.

_Tock…._

"Urgh!" He slammed his head against the desk. He sat in the second row of Social Studies class, surrounded sardonically with "learning is fun" posters. In the seat in front of him sat Edd, hands together sweetly on the desk; to Eddy's left, a doodling Ed; to Ed's left, a pencil stacking Eggs. At the back of the class, the Kankers were spit balling at Jonny 2x4 and Plank.

Upon completing her tower of HB's, Eggs threw her head back against her seat and let out a great yawn, which sparked a chain reaction of yawns along her row, even reaching Edd, whose eyes were now only half open. Edd's yawn was big and set him off into a doze, out of which he jumped immediately.

"Must…" He said sleepily, "stay awake… To receive…. The fruits… Of… Learning…" Edd drifted off into a heavy sleep.

When Edd awoke from a nap that seemed to last but a few moments, he looked around nervously at the empty room. "This can't be!" He pulled on his ski hat, "I must have slept straight through class!" He jumped up, getting hold of his messenger back before running out the classroom door in a pant. He paced down the empty halls, noting that the floors and walls were unusually and _exceptionally_ clean. They were also empty.

"Slept through all of school?" Edd stopped to ask in disbelief. In his pause, he took a moment to do a 360 in inspection of the clean hallways. He squinted at the corner of a locker and dragged a finger through it, studying it under the light before concluding that the school campus was spick and span. "Well, the janitors must be in top shape today," he smiled.

He walked on, hands swinging by his sides as they never have before, reveling in cleanliness. Suddenly, upon turning a corner, Edd was met with a surprise, towering at 7 feet against the wall—a glass case entirely dedicated to the "Student of the Century:" Eddward.

"Oh my…" Edd dropped his messenger bag, his eyes growing wide and glossy as the spelling bee trophies and science fair medals that reflected in its dark pools. "This is…" Edd's eyes loomed over the Young Scientist of America award. "This is…" They wandered to examine a plaque of fine penmanship. "This is…" Next was a letter written by the president inviting Edd to dinner.

"THIS IS A **DREAM**!" Edd jumped in terror and whizzed past the glass case, the clean lockers, the sparkling hallways, the doors and into the neighborhood in a pant. "Wake up, wake up, wake up!" Edd chanted to himself between huffs. In his run, the sky above him progressed into a dark plum color, casting a shadow over the leafless trees and empty houses that surrounded Edd. He began to sweat.

His pace decelerated, he held his hands close to himself in nervousness and turned at every ominous rustling of branches. "O-Or a nightmare!" He squeaked. The shadows around him grew longer and darker, encircling Edd until he stood vulnerably in the middle of the street.

Suddenly, a spotlight of neon green illuminated him from above. He recoiled, looking up slowly to see a massive UFO lowering itself over him. Edd let out a shrill scream as an alien, purple with tentacles and one giant eye and a space helmet, floated downwards from a port on the spacecraft's belly.

"&*#%$^ !#$" It spoke, waving its gun as its tentacles touched the sidewalk.

"Sp-spare me, I beg of you! I bear no ill will!" Edd bawled.

"#$% !" It approached, its eye glaring and its gun ready to fire.

Edd held his head in his arms until suddenly…

"Surrender, Inter-galactic scum!" Ed leaped from the bushes, jumping clear over Edd's tucked in head in full battle gear.

"Ed!?"

"%$# ! #$!?" The alien exclaimed.

"Your unearthly hex has no effect on me! My ears have been sealed with space scum repellent!" Ed pointed at the moldy mushrooms lodged in his two orifices. "Eat ectoplasm!" Ed fired his gun, squirting spools of what looked like green silly string. The alien span into hysteria, tangled in the silly string and falling to the ground with wails and bellows.

"Now for the mother ship…" Ed reached into his pocket, pulling out what looked to be half grenade, half rotten potato. He yanked on the ring with his teeth, ready to throw it into the UFO hovering above but Edd pulled on his arms before he did.

"Ed! You have to snap out of it, man! This is a dream!"

"Stand back, Double D! I'm about to send this shuttle back home… In pieces!" He readies his arm again.

"Ed! Listen to me! You are asleep!"

"I can't leave, Double D! The Earth needs me!"  
"Greater things are at stake! Think of all the wisdom being disavowed by our staying here! Think of all the test material! If we stay any longer, we may sleep straight through lunch hours and sixth period!"

"Lunch!?" Ed jumped up, scooping Edd under an arm. "Double D, we gotta wake up!"

Ed started running through the neighborhood, approaching the park when the clouds began to part and the sky began to lighten. Ed stopped and raised an ear. "Hear that, Double D?"

Edd did the same.

In the distance, beyond the trees, the two heard the distinct sound of giggling and what sounded like an animated conversation. They walked on and were surprised to find Eggs, seated at an elegant table in the middle of the forest complete with tablecloth and tea. The table was long and filled with many seats, each filled with an unknown figure.

"Oh, Mr. Nikola Tesla, tell me more about the electricity supply system? – Mr. Wright, care for more tea? - What's that, Mr. Ford? Call you Henry? I'd be delighted!"

"Eggs!" Ed cheered, running towards his friend.

"Oh, dear, not you too!"

"Hey, the Ed-isons! There you are! I knew you wouldn't ignore my invite! Welcome to my party!" Eggs stood up, arms spread wide with a grin. "Innovative geniuses only!" She winked beneath her bangs.

"Eggs, we gotta go! If we stay here we'll miss lunch! And it's gravy Tuesday!" Ed grabbed his friend, crying out in despair.

"Take it easy, you guys. Pull up a chair! Mr. Da Vinci was just telling us about how he invented the parachute!"

"Ed is right, Eggs! Snap out of it! You are asleep, woman!" Edd shook his hands in front of her. Ed rattled his friend back and forth, her head wobbling like a bobble head.

Eggs suddenly saw a blink of a classroom. In her foggy vision she made out desks, a chalkboard, and Eddy, drooling on his assignment in a symphony of snores. Eggs blinked again, returning to the dream world.

"Y-You're right, we _are _sleeping!" Eggs pried herself out of Ed's grasp. "And it's worse! Eddy's asleep too! We've gotta find him!" She took a few steps, "what are you waiting for!? Let's go!"

The three ran, breaking out in hollers, calling out their little leader's name between trees and behind fire hydrants. They reconvened, out of breath and out of ideas. When suddenly, they heard music from a distance. They looked up at each other with wide eyes.

"The cul-de-sac!" The three said in unison.

* * *

"Eddy…. Eddy…. Eddy…." A crowd chanted in low, thoughtless slurs.

All the kids of the cul-de-sac stood, arms raised towards a high golden tower. Above this tower was a velvet throne, on which our half-pint hero sat. His arms were placed comfortably behind his head, a leg propped up against his knee, and a grin plastered wide on his face.

"Please! Rolf begs you for an autograph, oh, all-powerful-and-mighty-Ed-boy!" Rolf said, his eyes glazed over.

"Yeah," followed Nazz, her eyes also glossy, "you're like, the hottest guy at Peach Creek!"

"Oh, Sarah! If only I were just like Eddy!" Jimmy sighed longingly.

"Oo oo ah ah!" A monkey, dressed in a familiar red baseball cap and lime green sweater, joined the crowd in praises.

Above, Eddy sighed. "They love me, they really love me!"

"Eddy!" Edd cried out, running towards the tower from afar with his two friends.

"Hey, fellas!" Eddy stood up on his throne, "come to see the King, I see! Get in line, chumps!"

Eggs growled beneath her breath, "we're not here to kiss your feet, you idiot!" She shook a fist to the sky, "you're _dreaming, _Eddy!"

"Dreaming schmeaming!" Eddy slid down the throne and golden tower to step on his cul-de-sac minions' heads. He walked towards his three friends proudly, "look around you! They love me!"

As Eddy had said, the cul-de-sac group (or what _looked _to be the cul-de-sac group) idolized him from afar in a fit of sighs and swoons.

"But Eddy!" Globules of tears began to form in Ed's eyes, "this isn't _really _Kevin or Rolf or Jimmy..."

Eddy scoffed. "It doesn't get any more true than this! You're looking at reality!"

Eggs' fist was still in a clench. "Remind me to hit him when we wake up…"

"Eddy, I demand that you come with us at once." Edd's voice was firm. "This world is nothing but a fool's paradise. This is all conjured up and you will realize soon enough after being here that no future lies in an illusion." Just as he said this, thunder struck. Eddy glowered as the clouds rolled in.

"YEAH!?" Eddy barked angrily, "well, take it to the jury!... I ain't going anywhere!" Eddy turned around and walked on. Until the sky fell into a deep darkness and strikes of lightning followed incessantly, one after the other. Eddy's three hairs wilted down at the side of the fog that rolled in.

Behind the fog, a menacing giggle, chuckle, and cackle.

"Wh-what is that…?" Eggs' voice was small.

"K-K-K-Kankers…" Edd and Ed grabbed onto each other.

The laughter grew louder when the three stepped into view, eyeing their lovebirds with mischievous leers.

"Eddy… I believe it is in all of our best interests… That you turn around… And _WAKE. UP!" _Edd spat in a sharp whisper.

"D-Don't sweat it! This is _my_ dream! I'll just dream them gone!" Eddy rubbed his temples. "AWAY! AM SCRAY! BEAT IT!"

Their laughter grew louder.

"Say, May," Lee spoke slowly. "How did we get here, again?"

"Not sure, Lee," came the goofy chortle, "last I remember, we were in Stupid Studies class, right Marie?"

"Yeah," the blue haired hellion dropped in her two cents, "until the Teach started yappin' about the civil war. Then... Oh, that's right… We fell asleep."

Eddy's look dropped. "Run."

He span on his heels and headed straight for his three friends when suddenly, as if overtaken by a magnetic force, Ed, Edd n Eddy were dragged across the pavement, travelling backwards in the Kankers' direction.

"What's going on!?" Eddy yelled.

"Eddy!" Eggs turned back and grabbed onto both of Eddy's hands, pulling him in vain.

"No! I don't wanna go!" Ed cried, his fingernails dragging deep cracks into the floor as he resisted the pull.

"It's _their _dream now! No matter what we do, as long as we're here, we're subjects of _their _desires!" Edd followed.

"Alright! I get it! I get it! I WANT TO WAKE UP!"

The three girls opened their arms wide, breaking out into wild hysterics, ready and excited to receive their prizes.

"AAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

_Riiiiiiiiiiing! _

"Huh?" Eddy sat up, an eye half open and drool still dripping from the side of his mouth. Around him, his three friends held their heads, still caught in dizzy dazes. "What happened?"

"Lunch time, you guys!" Ed broke from his trance and jumped out of his seat, leaving Eggs and Eddy beside each other.

Eggs turned and upon seeing Eddy, raised a fist and drove it through his shoulder.

"OW! WHAT WAS THAT FOR!?" He roared.

"I don't know," Eggs said, "something told me I had to do that."

"Oh, the humiliation," Edd held his mouth in his hands, his cheeks turning bright red. He stood up. "Oh, sir? Might we discuss a possible extra credit assignment!? Please!"

"Move it, May!" Lee pushed her sisters through the classroom door, still dizzy from her afternoon nap.

"_She_'s the one walking so slow!" May snapped.

"Only 'cause you're blocking my way with your gigantic feet!" Marie snapped back. The two broke into a catfight on their way out the door.

Eddy and Eggs followed close behind.

"I never noticed those three in our class before." Eggs said.

"Consider yourself lucky," Eddy threw his hands over his chest.

"ED BOY!" Rolf approached the two in an angry huff in the hallway, knocking over Jonny 2x4 in his march. "YOU WILL PAY FOR YOUR INSOLENCE!"

"What're ya talking about, Stretch?" Eddy raised his hands defensively, nervously grinning with a bead of sweat running down his brow.

"YOUR SHENANIGANS EARLIER THIS WEEK! IT IS A BAD OMEN TO INTERRUPT AN INSTRUMENTAL HYMM BEFORE IT CAN BE COMPLETED! AND FOR THAT ROLF DEMANDS RETRIBUTION!"

"Oh, that!" Eddy took a step back, walking into Eggs' chest as she looked on cautiously.

"YOU AND THE ED BOYS WILL MEET ROLF AT HIS HOME AFTER SCHOOL." He inched his face closer to Eddy's, "Rolf's sentence will bring you to justice."

By the time Rolf made his way down the hall, Eddy had already sunken into Egg's body in defense. Her hands were on his shoulders as they watched Rolf make his exit.

Eddy resumed his position with a sigh of relief.

"Touchy!" Eddy brushed Rolf remnants off his sleeves with the back of his fingers. "To think you wouldn't be able to cut a guy some slack when he's proposing, for crying out loud!"

Eggs' face turned a deep red at the word. "Oh, that!" She spoke fast.

"Yeah." Eddy threw his hands in a fold, eyebrow raised and still eyeing Rolf as he walked away. "No hard feelings, right?" Eddy looked up at his friend, his eyebrow still cocked.

Eggs nodded big and fast.

"Well, whatever Rolf has planned for us, it can't be _that _bad…"

* * *

Eddy had spoken too soon.

"This is bad."

The four were in Rolf's farm, standing knee deep in cow manure, shovels in hand. Edd was dressed in a hazmat suit, his nose plugged with a clothes pin from the inside.

"OH, OF ALL THE ABOMINABLE… OF ALL THE VILE…. THE NAUSEATING… THE REPREHENSIBLE…" Edd had been listing adjectives for the past hour. He shoveled weakly, taking but a few crumbs of manure with every heave.

"Quit your yapping and put your back into it, Sockhead! We've been here for two hours and we'd be done by now if you weren't reciting the dictionary!"

"I'm sorry, Eddy?" Edd threw his shovel to the ground, "but for _whose _misconduct are we paying exactly? Certainly neither mine, nor Ed's! Certainly not that of Eggs'!"

"Al-RIGHT, I get it, chatterbox!"

The two went on, tossing nags back and forth in a tennis game of "I'm right and you're wrong."

Eggs sighed, loading a full wagon of manure onto Rolf's garden patch. She took a moment to slap her dirty hands against each other and look over at Eddy. His fight with Edd was brought to a halt by a fed-up Rolf; he knocked the two Ed's on the head. Eggs watched on absent mindedly.

Ed broke her daze. He approached behind her with a wide smile, carrying one of Rolf's chickens in his arms with a smile.

"There are lots of chickens, but I like Gertrude the most," Ed grinned.

Eggs grinned back, "she's a looker, Ed, I may have ta fight you for her!" She joked, anticipating a tantrum; but instead, Ed affectionately boop'ed her on the nose with a finger. Eyes drawn into the middle of her face, she looked up at a smiling Ed.

He shook his head, "you like _Eddy_ the most."

Eggs stared, stock still.

"ALRIGHT, quit your yapping, I'll get it back!" Eddy shouted, marching towards Ed in a grumble, "hey, Monobrow! Give Rolfy boy back his bird so we can split!"

"But Eddy, it's not even dinner time yet!" Ed squeezed Gertrude tight, making her choke and flee from his arms in a frenzy of feathers, landing clumsily on Eggs, who fell backwards. Gertrude flew off Eggs' face, leaving her with her feet in the air, and feathers in her hair.

"Ow…" Eggs croaked.

Eddy stood over her with a cocked eyebrow, "you sure do fall a lot, huh, Eggs?"

_Ba-Dump._

"Huh?" Eggs flushed red, remembering Ed's offhand remark just a few seconds ago.

"You, falling," Eddy reached a hand out, which Eggs cautiously took. "You do that a lot?" He pulled Eggs back up to her feet with a swing.

"N-Not before Peach Creak," Eggs stammered to find the words.

"Ha," Eddy raised a hand and smacked Eggs on the back with it sportively. "Well, tough luck, Gogglebrains— CLEAR OUT, BOYS!"

Eggs' eyes nearly popped out of her head at the smack. She stood still as her friends readied themselves for a departure; Edd was in the process of zipping himself out of his hazmat suit, using only his dainty fingertips with cheeks puffed up in an effort to hold his breath.

Ed's words were stuck in her head like a bad song.

_Me…? Like Eddy…? _


	5. Lee vs Eggs

Now this chapter has a couple of references to the Ed Edd n Eddy football game episode, Tight End Ed. Although you won't need to have seen it to understand the chapter, I thought I'd encourage you to watch that great episode anyway.

**x**

"C, O, B-B-L, E, R! What does that spell!?"

"Cobbler!"

It was football practice. Nazz, Jimmy, and Sarah did jumps and cartwheels in a small crowd of cheers by the bleachers.

The sun was high and the pigskin was flying; and Kevin's overbearing commands rattled in the ears of every Peach Creek Cobbler within a ten mile radius. Eggs had been stretching her hamstrings for the past half hour, staring into empty space absent-mindedly.

"Why does SHE get to be a number!? She's new and not even a guy!" Eddy growled, throwing a hand towards Eggs' #4 jersey in reference to his pitiful #0.

"Well, Eddy, gender ought to matter very little if Jimmy is on the cheer squad," Edd added.

"Get over it, Dork, we're a player short since Ed became a mascot," Kevin yelled from the center of the field while prying a football out of Jonny 2x4's sunken-in face, "not that she could play a decent game anyway, ha!" He cackled.

"Mr. Big-Shot-Quarterback here think he's all that… I'd like to see _him _get plummeted by a girl," with that, Eddy looked back at his friends, "hey, Eggs! Make me look good out there!"

Eggs' mind had been elsewhere all of last night and had yet to find its way back to her this afternoon. She squeaked against her knee repeatedly, going over the same stretch like a broken record.

_Stay calm, Cunningham… The second you start acting weird, the second people will think something's up... There is nothing to worry about unless there's something to worry about… And why would there be since you don't like Eddy! _

"Eggs!"

"WHAT!? I DON'T LIKE EDDY!" Eggs jumped back nervously. She froze, beads of sweat suddenly coursing down her face after hearing the painfully awkward silence that followed.

"Oh my," Edd smiled bashfully; he glanced at Eddy to gauge his reaction.

Eddy stared with a raised eyebrow, throwing his hands to a fold against his chest, "well, sheesh! I never said I was perfect!"

Eddy's eyes met with her's for the first time that day. Since then she had been avoiding it at all costs, finding excuses to look elsewhere. Pink spread over her cheeks. His blaring voice, that raised eyebrow, goofy clumsiness, and that booming laughter of his after insulting Kevin. How all these things could be so familiar and comforting and yet so nerve racking at the same time- these were answers Eggs fell short of.

_Ba-Dump._

There it was again! Her incessant heart had been beating that drum all morning. She resisted the urge to catch it mid-thump as she was worried he would notice.

Ed suddenly appeared by Eddy's side, dressed head to toe in his Peach Cobbler Mascot outfit. "Perfection is in the eye of the beholder, Eddy."

"Alright Shakespeare, who said you could stop cart wheeling!?" Eddy growled, letting his inherent hate for mascots get the better of him. "Do I gotta do everything around here!? Move it, Lumpy!" He kicked Ed with a _whack!, _catapulting him into the center of the football field before following close behind in an angry march.

Eggs sighed of relief and consoled her beating heart with a grip of her jersey.

"You are very readable, Eggs, I must say," Edd said in a whisper, smiling amusedly. "Lucky for you, Eddy is practically illiterate."

"I-I don't know what you're talking about, Edd."

Edd scratched the inside of his hat, "but I'm most certain you just—"

Kevin shouted from the inside of the field, "WHAT'RE YOU DORKS DOING, TAKING A COFFEE BREAK OR SOMETHING!?"

As the two scurried over to join their team members, three bystanders sat unresponsively at the top of the bleachers. The Kanker sisters were painting their nails, stopping occasionally to yell obscenities at the group below them.

"Booooo, Peach Creek sucks!" Marie yelled half heartedly, occupied with her nail file.

"Say, girls…" Lee looked up from her red toe nails, "when was the last time we tormented out little boy toys?"

"It's been a while," Marie said.

"What are you talking about, you guys, we just did last chapter during the dream sequence." May set her arms akimbo, eyeing her sisters with a cocked eyebrow. The two gave her blank stares.

"Where do you come up with this stuff, May?" Lee spat.

"Ah, who cares! I'm lazy," Marie looked back at her nail file.

"I've told you before, Marie!" Lee yanked the nail file from her hands, soliciting a "HEY!" from her blue haired sister. "They need to be reminded. We can't have them walking around the halls feeling SAFE, now can we?"

The two sisters exchanged looks.

"I guess not," they said.

"That's more like it..."

* * *

"Eggs! What's the matter with you! I said make me look good but I didn't mean miss every catch!" Eddy yelled at his friend on their way to the locker rooms. "I'll never hear the end of it from Kevin!"

"Plank says you never catch anything either, Eddy!" Jonny 2x4 chimed.

Eddy threw his otherwise useless football helmet into Jonny 2x4's head (which had only recently recovered from the incessant plows of Kevin's football).

"Hey!" Eggs turned, "I was distracted, alright? My mind was on other things!"

"Yeah? Well, get your mind on _this _instead!" Eddy pulled out sheets of stray paper from behind him and stealthily slid towards Eggs, throwing an arm around her with the papers before their eyes. "I've hatched up a plan for next practice that'll make the crowd realize what they've been missin'!"

"Huh?"

"I've written an act! Starring you and me! I call it 'EDDY'S FOOTBALL DEBUT,' they're gonna love it!" He squeaked in excitement.

"Wait a minute, what is this?" Eggs took the papers in her hand, catching a random segment to read out loud. Eddy lifted his ear happily as if to catch a beautiful tune. She read with a monotone. "Eddy throws. Eggs catches and falls, 'oof, Eddy. You are the strongest thrower in Peach Creek—no, the world...'"

...

"WHAT IS THIS CRAP!?"

"I ALREADY TOLD YOU!"

"I am NOT doing it," Eggs shot, turning her back to her friend in a march to the lockers.

"What's the big deal!?" Eddy retaliated, "you're just a _girl _anyway! As if you have anything better to do during practice!"

She turned to him, "I swear, sometimes I wonder why I even…"

"What!?"

She shot him a glare.

_Girl… _The word stuck itself onto her head like one of Edd's post-it notes. _There_ was a word she hardly heard, one she hardly knew. To think that hearing it from Eddy could make her weak kneed and nervous one moment and then fill her bones with anger the next, all this made Eggs' blood boil.

"Nothing." Her voice was laced with bitterness. "Forget it," she faced forward and walked on.

"Hey, where are you going!? School's over! It's scam time!"

"TO THE GIRL'S LOCKER ROOM," she barked before slamming the door behind her.

"Sheesh, what's her problem," Eddy said as the two Eds approached from behind. Edd was the last to catch up to the group, gasping for air.

"The sport itself is arduous enough but," Edd said between wheezes, "this armor of a suit only debilitates me further…"

"Don't worry, Double D, we can trade suits." Ed said, turning to him stiffly by the constraints of his heavy peach cobbler suit.

"I think that would defeat the purpose, Ed…"

Just then, Kevin and the rest of the cul-de-sac boys exited the Boy's Locker Room; clouds of steam following them as they did.

"The Ed boys are behind as usual, yes?" Rolf said quietly.

"Ha! What's new!" Kevin threw a towel over his shoulder. "Work on those catches, you dorks! I'm not losing to Lemon Brook _again_!"

The three enter the locker rooms, pushing Ed in with a kick once he filled the doorframe with his oversized suit.

"Lemon Brooke, those mascot hating…." Eddy mumbled beneath his breath, throwing his jersey into his locker, leaving him with the sleeveless white undershirt he had on beneath all his clothes.

"Edddy? Some assistance, please!?" Edd had the top of Ed's suit in both arms, pulling with all his might as a bent over Ed cried out in despair.

"It's eating my head, Double D!"

Just as Eddy turned to his friends' aid, he heard a giggle from behind him. He followed the sound with his eyes until it caught sight of a wonderful impossibility. He rubbed his eyes in disbelief. A jawbreaker was hanging from an air vent, tied with a rope and dangling alluringly before his very eyes.

"What's this!?" Eddy charged, hands out in front of him, "COME TO PAPA!"

* * *

Eggs closed the locker room door behind her with a sigh.

_I can't believe Ed almost had me convinced... There's no way I could be in love with Eddy. _

_He's selfish, _she nodded.

_He's shallow_, she nodded again.

_And he's an idiot,_ she threw her hands to a fold over her chest.

_ Glad I cleared up that mistake. _

Suddenly, she heard frantic wails coming from the inside of the Boy's Locker Room. They were calling out Eddy's name. She rushed to follow the ruckus.

Once she reached the Boy's Locker room, she readjusted the goggles on her head firmly, a tongue sticking out from the side of her mouth in preparation. "Hope you're decent!" She said before kicking the locker room door down.

"EEEEEDDYYYYY!" Ed sobbed into an open air-vent.

"Oh, it's one calamity after another! Will my nerves never rest!?" Edd fell to his knees, bellowing at the heavens with his arms raised.

"Eggs! Eddy's in trouble!" Ed dropped down to Eggs' feet at the sight of his friend, making a shallow swimming pool of tears beneath him. "He's been TAKEN!"

_Taken!? _She felt her heart sink.

"Ed, listen to me," Eggs fell to one knee, taking hold of Ed's shoulders. "By whom?"

"C-Could it be Kevin!?" Edd pulled on his skii hat pacing in circles underneath the air vent. "No! This is far too calculated for one of his antics! The Lemon Brookers!? Oh, what am I saying, they'd benefit close to _nothing _from kidnapping Peach Creek's laziest player!"

"Double D…" Ed said, reaching into his pool of tears to retrieve something that floated towards him. He raised it. It was a single strand of curly red hair. Edd's shoulders dropped.

Meanwhile, Eddy was whizzing through the air vents by his grip on the jaw breaker, flying through corners and narrow pathways.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH—Ooph!"

He crashed straight through a barred metal latch, falling onto the ground in a cloud of dust. The room was hot, dark, and full of steam. His vision cleared.

"Hey, what gives! It's only the short one!" May coiled the long line rope around her arm, examining their catch.

"It's only a mater of time before his friends show up to save him!"

"Good enough for me, Ladies…" Lee stepped in Eddy's field of vision, carrying armfuls of articles and knick-knacks that made Eddy flinch and tremble in terror.

"Woah, what are you doing? No… NO… GET AWAY FROM ME!"

* * *

They had little time to lose.

"Are you sure about this, Eggs?"

"I'm sure, Double D," came her firm voice. "Be ready, boys."

"Aye aye, space commander!" Ed saluted. The Eds scurried out of sight, leaving Eggs to take a deep breath before approaching the graffiti'd door to the boiler room. She grimaced at the "NOT WELCOME" scribble in red lipstick and swung the door open. She walked down the dark steps, hearing the giggles and kissing sounds grow louder. She turned the corner, finally coming into full view.

She stood, both feet apart and planted unyieldingly, arms set beside her.

"EGGS!"

Eddy took advantage of the Kankers' brief pause and reached desperately for his friend. He was dolled up, scantily clad in a showgirl's dress with his three hairs curled, nails painted, and kiss marks stamped on every inch of his beautified face. "GET ME OUTTA HERE!"

Eggs' iron glower almost faltered at Eddy's desperate cries, but she soldiered on.

"Not so fast, boyfriend!" Lee quickly grabbed hold of him by his dress straps, throwing him back down between her and her sisters.

"Someone interrupted our make out makeup session!" Marie twisted her bottle of mascara to a close.

"Hey, it's the new boy!" May stuck her tongue out sultrily.

Marie took a stand beside her sisters, creating a barred wall of legs between Eddy and Eggs. "He's cute! I've got first dibs!"

Eggs' spoke slowly: "Hand over the little guy…"

Lee raised an eyebrow; and threw her arms up over her sisters. "HOLD ON, LADIES…" She inspected Eggs further from afar.

"Hand him over and nobody gets hurt…"

"I'd know that look anywhere..." Lee said. "This ain't no boy."

"What if we don't wanna?" Marie shot Eggs a look, "exactly _what _have you got planned for the three us us then, Doll face?"

Behind them, Eddy was drenched in an ongoing shower of sweat, biting his fingernails at the show.

Eggs' voice was calm. "I will have to resort to hand-to-hand combat. And if you refuse even then, I will have to pull out the big guns. And trust me… Even _I _don't want to have to go that far."

"You gonna let this broad steal your man, Lee!?"

"SHE'S ALL TALK, GIRLS." Lee lowered her arms, "GET HER!"

Both sides kicked off the ground, flying into the middle of the room, fists raised and legs poised to kick. The center of the room exploded in a cloud of dust, arms and heads poking out of the cloud in a hurricane of blind swings.

Eggs bit.

Marie kneed.

Lee ducked.

"OW!"

"WATCH IT!"

"TAKE THIS!"

"**MARIE**, THAT WAS _ME_!"

Meanwhile, Eddy plastered himself against the wall, creeping slowly one side step at a time.

"Psst… Eggs…" Eddy whispered from the side of his mouth, "quick… Book it while they're not looking…"

An arm reached out from the inside of the cloud, which Eddy took. His eyes almost jumped out of his head to see that it was attached to Lee. She grinned.

"May I have this _dance!?_" She said, throwing him above her head and into the wall behind her. Eddy knocked his head against a nearby pipe and fell to the ground with a ring of stars circling his face.

"Yes, mommy, more sugar please…" He slurred.

He fell to the ground.

"Eddy!" Eggs pried herself out of the crowd, leaving May and Marie in a ball of tangled limbs. He was out cold. Eggs felt her heart swell at the sight of him and took his hand in her's.

She stood; and turned to glower at Lee, who found herself now without backup and against a wall as Eggs approached her.

"Hey! What's all the hassle for, huh?" She said. "Just a short little brat!? What are ya, in love with the twerp or something!?"

Eggs took one last glance at Eddy before consulting the freckled foe before her. "That's right…" She took slow steps towards her. "Sure he's selfish. He's shallow. And he's an _idiot_!" Her voice grew louder with every second. "But I like him for it!" Lee stood, sweating beneath her shadow. "There! I said it! I LOVE THE GUY!" Eggs rose her fists triumphantly, ready to strike.

Suddenly, a grin grew on Lee's face as her two sisters approached from behind the shadow. "My sentiments exactly…" She said, squatting down to swing her leg against the floor, knocking Eggs' feet off the ground.

Just as Eggs found herself at the mercy of the three villains, who stood above her, cackling wildly, she lifted her fingers to her mouth and let out a loud whistle.

The sound of a helicopter promptly went off from outside the boiler room walls. The Kanker sisters looked up in confusion.

"PUT YOUR HANDS UP. ONE FINGER ON MISS CUNNINGHAM AND WE SHOOT," the voice said.

"Th-They're bluffing!"

As if on cue, red pointer shots appeared on every inch of the Kanker sisters.

"RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"

The three jumped and bolted out the boiler room door. Eggs let out a sigh and ran to her fallen friend.

She took his arm over her shoulder. "Herrmmphh…!" Her cheeks puffed up in an effort to lift him from the ground. She threw him onto her back, his head against her shoulder and her arms tucked beneath his knees. She made her way up the stairs and through the doors of Peach Creek Jr. High, where she met her partners in crime.

Ed and Edd sat outside the small boiler room window by the ground, lazer pointers and a megaphone in hand.

"My word…" Edd panted. "I almost had a heart attack!"

"You guys did great."

Ed jumped up to sniff out the sleeping Eddy. "Awww… Little Eddy, asleep from a tired day…" He cooed.

"More like beaten unconscious, Ed."

Edd joined in. "Let Ed carry him, Eggs, we'll take him home."

Eggs looked over her shoulder. Eddy's cheek was squashed up against his black eye, murmurs were escaping his half opened mouth. She felt the familiar warmth spread over her cheeks. She smiled.

"Nah," she said. "I can carry him... Just till we get home."

She looked up at her friends, who followed by her side as she turned and walked on against an approaching sunset.


	6. Bonus: Lights, Camera, Action!

Okay, this is a little silly short chapter but it's definitely the most fun I've had writing anything _ever. _There's some EddyxEggs in there, too. And Chapter 7 is soon to come.

**x**

_We're on in 3, 2, 1…_

"Ladies and Gentlemen…

Ed Pictures are proud to present…

Late Night with Edd!"

The lights are hot and the crowd is going wild. An upbeat accordion instrumental goes off to Edd's entrance, we hear cymbals and an out of tune harmonica. Edd is dressed sharply in a white and light blue tuxedo.

He straightens his bow before clearing his throat. "Good evening, Mesdames et Messieurs! Before we begin, let us give the musical accoutrement a round of applause! A spotlight on Rolf and the E.I.O's, if you please?"

Rolf and his animal band turn to the camera. Rolf waves, bowing to the crowd. "Oho! Thank you! Thank you!"

Edd continues. "We have a lovely show planned out for you tonight with the best names ready to take the couch," he smiles proudly. "Our first guests! Put your hands together for… Eddy and Kevin!" He throws his arms to the right and pauses as the camera stays frozen on him. Edd clears his throat. "Eddy and Kevin!" The camera stays still. "Ed!" He whispers sharply.

"Oh! Sorry Double D!" The camera pans to the side and we see Kevin and Eddy appear from the curtains.

Eddy is dressed garishly in bad taste; he is wearing loud prints and sparkly pants, his shirt is open and on his fingers are oversized golden rings. "HEY! WHY DO I GOTTA GO ON WITH THIS SIDE SHOW? I THOUGHT _I _WAS THE STAR!"

"OUT OF MY WAY," Kevin knocks Eddy to the side of the set with a push. He comes without a hat, wearing a buttoned up Peach Creek cardigan and a necktie. He shoots a suave look at the camera, "hey, ladies…"

The two fumble their way to the couch, where Edd is sitting by a desk. The applause fades out.

"Now, Kevin… Eddy… What the people _really_ want to know is… Friend? Or foe?"

"HA! He WISHES he were a foe! More like an extra!" Eddy gets up on the couch, putting his hands on the desk while he points to the red headed boy behind him.

Kevin grabs Eddy by his shirt collar. "Say that again, Bird Breath!?"

"Now, Eddy, if you don't behave yourself, my producers will be forced to call security…" Edd straightens his note cards.

"Hey, YOUR the one who wanted to do a talk show! I said we should do an in style special on _moi!" _

"It's 'you're,' not 'your," Eddy. 'Your' is possessive."

Eddy blinked. "You can see the words I'm saying?"

"AHEM!" Sarah coughed loudly from off stage.

Edd nervously fumbles through his note cards. "Kevin! My producers tell me that you'd like to perform something on the show for us?"

"Oh, right!" Kevin throws Eddy to the ground and gets up. "Just a little something I've been working on." He says proudly. Kevin lifts his arms as Rolf begins a drum roll. "HRRRMMPHHH…" Kevin's face goes red as he flexes with all his might. The drum roll goes on… Suddenly, two bumps of muscle pop up from underneath his cardigan sleeves.

The crowd goes wild.

Eddy rolls his eyes. "Great, now every single person's changed the channel."

"Eddy, please!" Edd shoots. "Now, for our next guest we have the lovely…" Edd's eyes widen at the sight of the name on his note card. He begins to sweat. "The lovely…" The lights put him under a wave of nervous heat; all eyes are on him. "The lovely…" He inhales deep and pauses. A small voice escapes his lips. "… Nazz."

As if on cue, the band begins to play, the crowd explodes into cheers and applauses, Nazz walks through the curtains in a pretty blue dress.

"Hi, everyone!" She smiles with a wave, "hey, dudes!"

Kevin and Eddy drool at the sight of her as she makes her way to the couch and sits beside Edd's desk. Edd hides behind his note cards, his head buried halfway into his suit.

The applause fades out and all we hear is Edd shaking in his seat.

"Hi, Double D!" She smiles.

"..."

She stares at her quiet host. The silence goes on.

"…"

"Was there something you wanted to ask me?" She smiles again.

Edd continues to sweat and shake. "… I…"

By the cameras, Ed lifts his hand to his mouth, his eyes directed to both sides of his head as he calls out. "**REPLACEMENT HOST**!"

Out of nowhere, Jonny 2x4's hand pulls Edd out of his seat by his collar and places plank neatly in his place.

Plank stares at Nazz.

Nazz stares at Plank.

Plank stares back at Nazz.

Jonny 2x4 breaks the silence with a loud laugh. "HAHAHA! YOU'RE A RIOT, BUDDY!"

* * *

We interrupt this program to bring you a commercial…

"HEY!" Eddy appears over a white screen. "LATE TO CLASS AND CAN'T FIND YOUR HOMEWORK? WELL, DON'T WORRY! HAVE WE GOT THE ANSWER FOR YOU"

He slides to the side and we see Ed on all fours, slowly spinning in place while Edd and Eggs have their arms lifted towards him as if this were a car show.

Eddy appears once again. "Try Ed's Sniff Out Services! Nose like a hound's, brain like a bird's!" He disappears again as we get a close up on Ed's nozzle.

Eddy's face appears beside it. "We guarantee you'll find anything you need with this schnoz or your money back! No refunds…"

* * *

"Makeup break!" Jimmy cheers. Him and Sarah appear from the shadows and powder Edd's face in a cloud of white. They circle him a few times before running back to their places.

"You're on the air, Double D!" Ed signals.

"Oh! Sorry about the technical difficulty there, ladies and gentlemen… Thank you for still tuning in…" Edd smiles apologetically. He clears his throat. "Now! Give our final guest a round of applause. Peach Creek's newest member… Katherine "Eggs" Cunningham!"

The camera pans to the curtains and a few moments of silence go by before a mysterious hand pushes Eggs forward by her sliding heels. She looks around the set in confusion, hands full with stray wires as she had been working off camera.

The crowd begins their applause.

She walks over to the couch and whispers to Edd through the side of her mouth, "what happened to interviewing the President?"

"He couldn't make it."

"Oh."

"So, Eggs. My producers tell me you have a love for inventors and the like."

Eggs's posture straightens as she lights up. "That'd be right."

"Tell us about your favorite creative mind."

"Favorite? Can't do that, Double D, it's impossible to narrow down that list to five let alone one."

"Well, who do you find yourself thinking of the most?"

Eggs' expression drops and her shoulders shy inwards. "… Thinking of the most?"

"Precisely! Who gets your blood burning with passion!?"

"Um…" She looks over shyly at the cameras. She shoots her eyes downwards to her knees as she begins to twiddle her thumbs. Her face is a bright red. "W-well, he's a little rough around the edges... But I like him for it… Most of his plans don't really end up going that well but he's always on the brink of genius…"

"PSSST!"

Eggs pauses and looks over into the audience. She squints to see Eddy in the darkness, standing beside camera-man Ed with a large message scribbled on blank white sheets.

She reads the messages in her head as he flips them one after another.

_This show is going nowhere fast…_

_Quit boring everyone…_

_And talk about ME…_

Eggs' eyebrow twitches and she tightens her fist into a ball at her clueless beloved. She resists the urge to clobber him from across the set.

"**SECURITY**!" She calls out.

We hear heavy footsteps from behind the camera as they take Eddy off set.

"HEY! WHAT GIVES! PUT ME DOWN, I'M THE STAR!"

Rolf's music goes off.

"Well, I'm afraid that's all the time we have for tonight, folks! Tune in again for another bonus chapter!" Edd waves as the camera fades to a black.

"Don't forget to review!" Eggs adds cheerfully.

* * *

But actually.


End file.
